Standing up to your parents should not be a death sentence
Did you know that most people who suffer emotional and physical abuse as kids are more unlikely to be able to stand up for themselves as adults?
Growing up in an African family, it was almost impossible to stand up for anything, or to anyone, especially not to our parents. We were raised to fear them and brought up to believe they always know best. In other words, you must always obey them, and obedience equals respect. While that is not entirely untrue in itself, the process has made many of us overly dependent, shy, and mostly unable to speak up for ourselves when it matters the most, even as adults.
A poll I conducted recently revealed that many young men do not have a problem standing up for themselves against their parents, while ladies not as much, and some that do are not firm on what they actually want. Now I am not in any way encouraging anyone to fight, be unruly, or be disrespectful to their parents, as I would not be responsible for any Yam Pepper Scatter Scatter situation. In contrast, I strongly believe that everyone deserves some respect irrespective of their age, gender, or race. Parents, even more respect for the sacrifices they have made. The only problem I have is the idea that your parents know it all, because in reality, they don’t. They have all the experience, they know a lot, but they do not always have the answers.
The first thing you have to understand is that all parents, no matter how absurd what you think they are saying is, always believe that they are doing the best for you. Therefore, if you are going to convince them to drop their thoughts and ideas about something, then you must be able to convince them, beyond every reasonable doubt, that you know what you are saying, you want it, and you are able to deal with any consequences that arise from it on your own. In addition, you have to make peace in your heart with the possibility that they will be mad at you, and that is okay. It is easier when you accept this.
So how then do you stand up to them without being sentenced to death…
First step is letting them know you are an adult. This could be 18 or 21 depending on whatever. Now this is extremely difficult in an African family, but you have to do it anyway. Starts with little things like accepting responsibilities, acting and talking maturely, establishing boundaries, respecting them, and the most important in my opinion, not allowing them to insult you. This is the most important because the more you let them know that you will not stand for insults, the more they treat you better. I never said it would be easy, LOL, but you must. Other ways of ensuring it doesn’t happen is knowing when to walk away from toxic or pointless conversations. Know that you cannot win every battle, so leave your wins for when they matter the most. Don’t pull the card out of your sleeves if you don’t have to.
Next is learning to make concessions. You must admit to yourself that they have a point and you would not always have your way. It is usually at this point that you need to develop negotiation skills, and the most important element of a negotiation is letting the other person think they have a win, whatever a win means to them. Giving them the idea of a win, state your points ever so clearly that they are “compelled” to reason with you. They are your parents, so they don’t want to lose to you, meaning you have to make them think they are winning.
The most important is independence, especially financial independence. I became super-stubborn growing up, trying to “change it” for my parents. It was usually tougher with my dad as he will always remind me that “as long as you are under my roof and I pay your bills, you will do what I say”. It was painful, but I knew he was right. So I got lucky, got a low-paying job after my NYSC in Lagos, Nigeria, that granted me accommodation. That was my escape. Even now, we still argue from time to time, but as adult-to-adult.
The last card when nothing works, could be emotional manipulation, or like we call it, guilt-tripping. It is trapping them in their beliefs or feelings, in a way they cannot go against. In secondary school, my mum wanted me to be a science student. We argued and fought everyday, with no headway. Not until I reminded her that she was a counselor, and it was hypocritical of her to go to her job everyday advising parents to allow their kids to follow their dreams only to come home to stifle mine. It worked like a charm. That was the last fight we had on that matter, and today I am a chartered accountant.
Conclusion
Maybe none of this is for you, maybe what you need is to heal from whatever abuse you suffered as a child. If that is the case, it is okay to talk to someone about it. Or maybe you think this would not work because you are a lady. Kill that stereotype in your mind. Your voice matters and you need to let the world know, starting with your parents. It may not happen in a day, maybe months, or years, but don’t back down, don’t show weakness.
Note that every family is unique and you may have to find whatever it is that works for your family. Speaking up for yourself is a survival skill, I am still learning it as well. The hard truth is that whether you do what others want you to do or you do what you want to do, at the end of the day you bear the responsibilities alone. So maybe you think again next time before you roll over, because if you do not stand up for yourself, no one will.
I will leave you with this quote by Queen Elizabeth II:
“The world is not the most pleasant place. Eventually, your parents leave you and nobody is going to go out of their way to protect you unconditionally. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and what you believe and sometimes, pardon my language, kick some ass.”
P.S.:
Yam Pepper Scatter Scatter is a transliteration from Yoruba that means a state of chaos.
LOL means “Laughing Out Loud”
